Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
