I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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