I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
