he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize