yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
