i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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