Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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