I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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