Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
