I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
a search helicopter?!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
