I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
