I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
