at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a beard to bite.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize