I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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