Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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