how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
