Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
