There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
