Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
