So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
