My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize