I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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