I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize