I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
