If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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