I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
