I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
