Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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