Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
