Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
