she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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