im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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