i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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