chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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