just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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