Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
