Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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