i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
