When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
