at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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