Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm both gender and math confused
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
