Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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