hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
