Sacagawea was the original milf.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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