I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
