My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize