i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
