There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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