He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
