Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize