I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize