last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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