she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
