I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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