I wish I could teleport
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
