Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
