Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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