living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize