I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
