Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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